How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
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