Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
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