We need to start having sex underwater more often.
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
It's cool dude. The dank is in the form of premade smores with honey grahm crackers, marshmallow cream and 420 brand choc. bars. NV weed laws have nothing on me.
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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