I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
My vagina just recognized that song.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
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