You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
