i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
Randomize
