You blewit but ill be back in laekciew tonigthso calll mee
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
Randomize