I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
