Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Randomize
