so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
you had me at cake vodka
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
Randomize
