I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
