I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
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