Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
at FSU your more likely to get an STD than a parking spot
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
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