ARI BLEW A 2.0 HAHAHAHAHAHHAHH THESE COPS ARE SO COOL!!!!
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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