I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
Share, now.
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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