oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
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