I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
