k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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