all I know is if I don't watch spice world right now there will be a firefight.
Soo both my 8 year old sister and fuck buddy are named Sarah..
this can't be going anywhere good
nooope. guess which one i texted last nite to come over so i could "punish her pussy"? =\
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
Randomize
