hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
Beverly Hills, 90210. Cleveland Browns, 0.
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Randomize
