I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
when im bored during the day i often think, what do people who dont get high do with their day.. i came to the conlcusion that everyone must be getting high
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
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