my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
id say bad/good trip...at first I wanted to claw off my skin... but then when i tried i ended up tickling myself for an hour.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
Randomize
