the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
Randomize
