A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
