Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Randomize
