Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
Randomize
