all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
