Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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