yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
