My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
