I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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