guys are not supposed to queef...right?
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Randomize
