my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
Randomize
