I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
I still have a little drunk in my system
Is this like a preordered booty call?
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize