All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
I dont know it just seems wrong to fuck her on my exes back porch
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
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