and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
Randomize
