I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
Just discovered Kim Possible porn. Life is now complete.
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
what is it with giant penises always finding me
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
Randomize
