The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
On this egg donor form, it asks "In the past 5 years, have you had sex for drugs or money?" It only gives a yes or no option and no place to explain myself. What do I do?
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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