So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
Randomize
