First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
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