I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
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