Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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