The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
