So drunk its hurt
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
Randomize
