You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
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