you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
You had me at "let me see your balls"
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
Randomize
