walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
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