I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
Randomize
