I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
He literally asked permission to hit on me
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