Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
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