a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
not ubering you a puppy
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
its liver damage thursday
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
