Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Randomize
