my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
