Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
