That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
Randomize
