May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
Randomize
