Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
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