mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
Do u kno any dealers?
I've officially lost all respect for you, dad.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
