True but thats because hes a fetus.
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
I had no idea a 5'8 girl could fit entirely on her knees in front of the passenger seat of a Sunfire, but I am very happy to now have that knowledge.
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
