Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
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