Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
Randomize
