Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
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