She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
Randomize
