between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
Fuck me I smell like cheese
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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