Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
How can i make it up 2 u?
DREW I AM SMOKING POT AND FUCKING. WE CANNOT DISCUSS THIS AT THIS PARTICULAR JUNCTURE.
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