The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
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