i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
So I used the "I've never cummed from a BJ before" line last night.
And that worked?
9 for 9! Not only does it give them a goal but they have a sense of accomplishment afterwards.
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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