She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
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